Grace through suffering

Good news! And praise God! Jenna will be beginning to attend a day hab this week three days a week.  A day hab is a facility with caring staff who lead the clients through a day of activities very similar to a day care. On the other two days someone from the facility will come to our home and teach/train Jenna in independent living skills. She is beyond excited and if I have heard her once I have heard her a thousand times say, "I'm  so excited I can't wait to start dayhab." She even told the checker and sacker at Krogers today. She is so happy and contented with the smallest adventures.  We toured the facility last week and there were several kids (I call them kids because I knew them when they were at Creek or growing up) who Jenna knew or I recognized from Creek.  I felt it was a happy place and Jenna was ready to start that afternoon.  I have to tell a quick story.  One of the young me recognized me right away and said, "Ms. Latulippe, Ms. Latulippe it has been a long time since I have seen you." I said it had and asked, "When did you graduate from Creek?" He said, "2008." I told him I recognized him and was happy to see him. He said,"No I don't think you knew me. I got my braces off!"  I started laughing and told him right away "you sure did, I guess I didn't recognize you right away." Jenna and I got many hugs and saw so many happy faces; we are hoping this is a good transition.

I am hoping this will be good for her and she will not mind living at home as much.  It will give us a break from each other and give me an opportunity to do some administrative substituting when the opportunity arises.  This is truly answered prayers and I am so thankful.

Four months have come and gone and I can say things have gotten easier, I don't cry every day anymore but I'm still so lonely. I would love to hear him yell at me about something I'm doing that he didn't agree with. Every day I have memories that flood in at the strangest of times.  Someone will say something or I'll hear a song on the radio and there it is right in my face.  Little League Baseball World Series, Football season starting, and Labor Day weekend bring back such great memories. It was a great time of year for our family. How will we ever be able to enjoy these things again without sadness? People say it will happen and I am sure it will.  Grief is just so all enveloping and hard.

Day 49 of the Grief Share daily email I receive says "When you need God's grace the most, God will bless you with a special dynamic grace to get you through." It goes on to say to "...and if you need specific grace, ask Him for it. Through Jesus, you can find something to rejoice about in suffering."

I feel Pastor Joel has been talking directly to me the last few weeks.  We are studying Joseph and his journeys.  He was a great man who loved God and in every horrible thing that happened Joseph stayed focused on Him.  Because of that focus his life was fulfilled even in the midst of crisis.  Last week, Pastor Joel said, (and I am paraphrasing) "with faith and hope we step to the future God has laid out for us and will help us to become the person HE would have us to be."  How do I know I am going in the direction God wants me to go? Pastor Joel also said "Being so sure that things will turn out okay equals faith." So I am putting all of my faith in the Lord and letting him lead me where I need to be. I am praying to be more like Joseph and find grace through the suffering.

Romans 5:1-3

Dear Lord, I pray that you will give me grace to find the beauty in everyday,  especially those days where loneliness and sadness fill me. Lead my feet where you want me to go and open my eyes to see a future filled with the person you want me to be.  Amen

Life Continues

Several have asked me when I'm going to write again. Not sure why I chose tonight but Joel's sermon this morning hit home. It was about Joseph from Genesis. We've been studying him this summer. Joseph's brothers didn't like him. They beat him and threw him in a hole. Then they sold him for a few coins. Things were going bad for Joseph. It was like Joel was speaking right to me. He said no matter how bad things get God is with us and will help us find new dreams even in our darkest hours.

I haven't written because I haven't known where to begin. Since Richards death in the early morning hours of April 25th I have been existing. All of the cliches you hear when you talk to someone who's lost a loved one. (I hate that term "lost a loved one"--he's not lost. I know exactly where he is) anyway, you know the cliches;"I'm just putting one foot in front of the other." "Just one day at a time" "things will get better". "You will find a new normal." Etc etc etc. All I've been able to think is my best friend in the whole world is gone. The love of my life is gone. The one person who loved me deeply and dearly is gone. Our 30th anniversary is tomorrow. 30 years is more than a lot of people get. I feel so blessed to have had him as my husband and the father of our kids and grand kids. It is lonely without him.

I'm in the hole with Joseph. I'm going to get out of that hole with Gods help. And the prayers of friends. The last entry on the blog was April 17th. I've got some catching up to do. I'm hoping writing will begin to help me heal.  

My prayer: Dear Lord please give me and all of those who need it a boost out of their hole. Thank you so much for the 32 years I had with Richard. Hold onto me and the kids as we continue to grieve. In your name, Amen

Memories....

So much has happened in the last few weeks". Richard went home from the hospital after 5 days on a catheter. They never found what was causing the bleeding but they changed blood thinners and that has helped. He sees the urologist on Monday and will probably schedule a cystoscope.

My Great-Uncle Gene passed away.  He was my grandmother, Nana's baby brother. There were 7 Goodridge siblings born to my Grampy and Granny Goodridge. They came from Robstown to Alvin when my Uncle was just 2 years old. The rest, Annetta, Marjorie , Harriet (Nana), Bea, Richard and Ross were born in that order I believe. I kept thinking they were all waiting  with my Aunt. Frankie to welcome him home. There was surely a big party to have their baby with them. Each one of these siblings had an impact on me growing up. Our family was Methodist and church and Sunday's were family time. Before I can remember, I was told about Granny's fried chicken lunches at the old homestead in Alvin. After church you were required to be at Grannys. One story I remember is after my mom and dad started dating. Dad invited mom to a Sunday lunch. Of course she was nervous. Just think how many people were there on any given Sunday. So my Mama Poke made one of her famous Chocolate meringue pies for mom to take to Grannys. Mama Poke was very proud of her pies. Dad had the pie as they walked to the car. As he  went to put the pie on the back floorboard for safe keeping the pie flipped over and landed splat on its top on the floorboard. Mama Poke was standing g on the porch waving goodbye and mom said, "just get in the car and wave."  So off they drove with a ruined pie In the back. Mama Poke never knew the Goodridges didn't get a taste of that beautiful pie. I have so many memories that flood my mind when I think about these aunts and uncles and their families.  Aunt Netta and uncle Dewey were the sweetest most loving, Aunt Marjorie and Uncle Cliff would invite me to their home and we would spend hours baking her famous cookies, Aunt Bea and Uncle Lester had a load of kids that I loved seeing and playing with, Uncle Richard and Aunt Bernice lived in a high-rise in Houston during the oil boom, Uncle Ross and Eleanor were so much fun and they had the best personalities and Uncle Gene and Aunt Frankie had a parrot on their front porch that we were in awe of. So many memories from childhood that I will forever have in my heart.

I haven't spent much time doing anything the past few weeks except sit, assist, listen and love Richard. I have started having a lot of memories of our life together. It's so hard to watch my tall, dark haired, blue eyed love of my life detioriatating. He says he feels ok but I see him struggling to breathe, walk and eat. Easter Sunday is one of the few times a year he goes to church with the kids and I. This year he had just been let go from the hospital and he wasn't sure he could make it.  So we went without him. It was an emotional decision for us. I am so glad my friend, Janet made us a delicious lunch so I didn't have to cook. I haven't cooked a lot during this. I pray that we can get through the next three rounds of chemo and we can make some more good memories.

Philippians 1:3. I thank my God in all my remembrance of you.

Dear Lord I pray that the memories I hold so dear will stay in my mind. I ask that your will be done with Richards health and he is healed enough for the two of us to make many more happy memories in Your Name, Amen.

Spirtual Health

Hallelujah he can speak!  His voice started returning yesterday but this morning the phone rang I heard loud and clear "ITS ABOUT TIME!"  Yep his voice is back and I have mixed emotions about it. R asked for his laptop so he could get some work done while he's just sitting around. So he is now behind the laptop screen answering emails, working on a project and cursing quietly under his breath.  Oh yeah his voice is back loud and clear. God answers prayers.

We are still waiting in the urologist but our nurse, Angela is calling to check on the consult.  The nurses have been wonderful. Angela is the day nurse. Her smile is as big as the room. She walks in with a plan in her step and then when finished with her task she always takes the time to strike up a conversation. All of them have taken the time to get to know us and show they care. Yesterday my friend Molly who teaching the Health Science classes at Creek was here with her wonderful students. Several came in from time to time to check on Richard. Some recognized me or our name and would look for a minute. And then say do I know you?  These kids were freshmen or sophomores when I left Creek. It was so nice to talk to high school kids about their day and their future. 

Today a student nurse from San Jac was here. Her instructor came in and spoke to us. I knew she was demonstrating to her young student how to access a patient by just talking and getting to know them. We ended up talking about our lives and religions which led to the difference between spirituality and religion. During this particular time I took the opportunity to tell them a small part of our experience with the doctors and nurses when Jenna was born. Many of you know I take the opportunity to talk about Jenna every chance I get. 

In April of 1993 I was 21 weeks along in a high risk pregnancy with our daughter Jenna. At the time we didn't know if we were having a boy or girl; most of all we didn't know how this tiny little being would change our lives forever. I had just felt her move the week before. That first time is suppose to feel like bubbles or butterflies fluttering through your belly. Not Jenna. I was driving to work and felt a twist and twirl and then she bore down like she was bearing down head first trying to break through a wall.  

The following week I started running a high fever. Between the obstetrician and primary care physician they decided I had a virus and just needed to rest. By Friday of that week I had had enough of and went to see the ob. He did an exam and listened to the heart beat and sent me home to rest. After waking up from a nap I began to hemorrhage. Scared and confused my neighbor called for an ambulance. 

Once hospitalized a nice young neonatologist came to visit. He was dressed perfectly. In dark slacks and a lavender starched shirt, purple tie, socks and turban. His beard was well manicured and he had a sparkling white smile. He came in my room and I immediately knew I would like him. He began explaining our situation. He defined the risks in having a premature baby but also gave us info on the hospitalization and carrying the baby to term. The medications would be horrible and I would lie on my back or left side for the next 15-20 weeks. He also gave us statistics on survival rates of babies born this critically early. After all of that he pointed to my bible in my bedside table and he said, "but most importantly you keep your faith and we will be fine."  This man and I did not have the same religious beliefs but we had the same spiritual beliefs. We knew with all of this doctor's  knowledge and expertise meant nothing without our belief in something bigger than us. That something for me is a God that sent his only son Jesus Christ to live among us and to die so we may live and be promised an eternal life.

Jennas time in the NICU was a spiritual journey for all of us, both Dr. Bedi's family and ours..  The nurses and all of the specialist who visited were aware Jenna' s journey was special and she was amiracle. Born at just 21.5 weeks and barely 800gms she should not have lived. In the state of Texas, as a matter of fact was not considered viable.  But here she was being prayed for and prayed over by people of all religions, bathed in Holy Water from the Holy Land by a bishop in the Methodist church, treated by a staff of varied denominations; all done believing in God.  This miracle changed many lives especially our families. And we got a tremendous gifts thanks to the spirituality of so many.

The nursing professor and student nurse left thanking us for sharing our story. She agreed it was great example of how important spiritual health is in medicine. I know it plays a role so important that even given the best medicine in the world for an illness without spiritual medicine you will not ever fully recover.

 “ ‘Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security. (‭Jeremiah‬ ‭33‬:‭6‬ NIV)

Dear God, thank you so much for answered prayers and especially Richards voice. Thank you for the medical staff who is caring for him and their belief in You.   We look forward to what the coming days will bring and know You are leading us through them. In Your name, Amen.

God Can Handle Our Anger

So.... The saga continues!  Last time I wrote we had gotten the results of the CT scan and I had begun to give Richard injections twice a day. The blood thinner does a job on your body. His belly bruised and anywhere else on his body that he bumped, scratched or looked at the wrong way.

Today, we are in a hospital room at CLRH. We came in last night because R was peeing blood. He had complained earlier in the day that he was urinating a lot and his feet and ankles were swollen. So, I gave him one of his diuretics that had been stopped when he got dehydrated. About 5:30 he told me about the blood and we called the doc who sent us to the ER.  WHAT A NIGHT! First, the doc decided his bladder needed to be flushed. So. a catheter was put in, blood was drawn, EKG done and an antibiotic was given. The nurse was very concerned with the size of of the catheter. You nurses out there will understand and men will empathize. A size 22 or 20 was available and the nurse felt that was too big. So the entire hospital went in search for a smaller one. It was to be used with what they called a Y. This is so fluid goes in at the same time fluid goes out. They found a size 16 deep in a closet in the OR.

During the night the tube going "out" got clogged. Thank goodness for Amaya the charge nurses quick thinking. She knew just what to do but unfortunately the blood clots continued to clog the catheter. When the nurse came in this morning she got in touch with the urologist who ordered a size 22 catheter without the continual flow saline. No Y anymore and the large catheter would flush out the clots without any pain. I had prayed all night he would get relief. R at one point said Mary ask God to help me please!  I'm so thankful that the morning came, the nurse assigned to R was able to get in touch with the urologist and called until she got orders. Thanks for answered prayers.

Dr McClure came in and ordered leg ultrasounds so we can find if there are clots in his legs causing
the swelling and the clot in the lung. Dr. Slusky came in to get all of meds restarted and ordered an EKG. we are waiting on Dr Aquino and a urologist we will add to our list of doctors.

Speaking of Dr Slusky... Last week we did see Dr. Castillo at TX ENT. He felt the reason R can't talk is because of a paralyzed vocal chord. He sent us to a voice specialist downtown who we saw the next day. Dr Mary Beaver took some great pictures of his vocal chords. His right chord has a polyp and is paralyzed. She would like to do a day surgery to inject a substance in that chord to close it and then he should be able to speak again. But... He has to get cardiac clearance from Dr. Slusky. We saw him last Thursday and he did not like the speed R's heart was beating. So he said he would have to have a chemical stress test which I do not want him to have to do.  Let's just say Dr Slusky and I do
not agree and his degree trumped mine.

So here we are in another hospital room. The TV is on and R is finally sleeping and quietly snoring.


Thank you God for rest. You know R has been questioning if this is all worth it.  I spoke to Dr McClure about it this morning and she said that is a reasonable question, although the CT scan did show the chemo is working to improve the cancer. All I know is my husband is miserable. He hates this. He keeps saying his sorry he is putting the kids and I through this. I am sorry he is the one going through it. I would take the pain from him in a heartbeat.

Last week as we sat in the truck drinking our Sonic tea in between appointments, we talked about how angry R is.  He is so angry his whole body tenses any time something doesn't go the way he planned. I mean little things as well as the big medical issues. So we talked again about releasing the anger and giving it to God. Anger is such a poison to your body I'm concerned the angerier he gets
the harder it will be for the meds to work. We talked about being angry at God. R has been angry with
him for years and years. You see all three of his sisters died of cancer. He has seen all three go
through what he is now. He feels God took them from him. And now he blames God for his cancer
We have discussed so many times God's love for us and without His love we would not get through every crisis.  We also need Him to hear how we feel so that He is able to interveneIi. God can handle our anger.

The past 16 hours I haven't seen the anger like I did last week. And when R asked me to pray last night night that is a huge step in healing. Please dear Lord continue to take Richards pain, listen to his pleas , soften his heart and help him release the anger and feel your love. Thank you for the medical staff and their knowledge in helping to fight this awful disease
Psalm E8:21-22
Lord, do not forsake me;
    do not be far from me, my God.
22 Come quickly to help me,
    my Lord and my Savior.

#cancersucks 

BUT...

Lets see.  Where did I leave off? Oh yeah we had just found out about the lung cancer.  That's right on 1/23/2015--Richard's 66th birthday we found out he has lung cancer.  Since then there was a biopsy done and information given on what extensive small cell lung cancer is.  Richard has had the 6 radiation treatments which have helped with the pain in his back and side.  He has completed the 2nd round of chemotherapy which has been very hard on him.

During this last round of chemo he has lost his voice completely.  Years ago Richard had laryngeal cancer.  Stage #1, Class #1 t hey told us.  He did 21 radiation treatments and for 25 years his voice has been raspy but not recurrence of that cancer.  Now he can't talk at all.  It is very frustrating for him.  Those that know him know he loves to talk, he is a very social person and loves his job because he is on the phone with people all day.  This set back, I think, has the biggest impact on him.  When he was able to make calls and talk to his buddies he was able to stay positive.  Now I answer his phones and talk for him.  He hates that!

Last week we had a visit with Dr. McClure.  She has referred him to an  ENT to check his vocal chords and she ordered a CT Scan to look at the progress.  She also decided to give him an additional week's rest before his next round of chemo.  She also decided to change one of the meds so that maybe his side effects will lessen.  So, today he had his CT Scan.  The nurse just called and said the cancer has responded to the chemo which is very good news. BUT... You knew that was coming right? He now has a blood clot in his long.  She says its common with chemo patients. 

Twice a day until his next appointment with Dr. McClure he will get an injection in his belly.  The med is a blood thinner.  And, guess who gets to give it? Yeah--me.  I give myself injections and it does not bother me in the least.  Richard hates needles, shots, IVs, whatever has to be stuck into him he does not like.  Now, I get to give him two injections a day. I need prayers because I know he will not hold still for this.  It has to be done.  Richard looks like this as a setback.

Its hard to be thankful when you are facing another issue.  I want to yell "THANK YOU LORD!" and the other part of me just wants to break down and cry for him.  I don't know what would be worse for him.  Me giving him shots in the belly is probably one of those things he never dreamed would happen.  But its here and we will do it.  Richard will continue this fight as much as he hates it and as much as the kids and I dread it for him.

1 Peter 1:6

In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.

 Thank you, God for this good news.  Keep Richard in Your arms as  he faces this next setback while he is being treated for this horrible disease.  Comfort him and allow him to see the positives in the small things as we know this is the greatest challenge we have ever known. 

Mary

Living Life with the Latulippes: How this began...part 1

Living Life with the Latulippes: How this began...part 1: Good Morning on this most beautiful day in southeast Texas.  The sun is out for the first time in many days and it is perfect.  The windows ...